Prison

So my fiancee was transferred five hours away, today. I had a meltdown when I found out he was “in transit”. I don’t know this new place. Prisons are what we see on TV. Gangs, weapons, fights, killings, and a million horrible other things. He has been in the intake process for the past month. We got used to the time schedule for calls that we got to talk to daddy. We couldn’t see him in person or video calls. Nothing. Going from everyone to seeing the person you will spend the rest of your life with, to nothing, is extremely hard. At this new place, we have a scheduled video call for tomorrow at 6 p.m. and we are able to message each other. I need to see him. He told me about the gangs he has seen his first several hours there. It is scary, but not like we see on T.V. I told him no bullshit. Don’t sugarcoat anything. He is an amazing guy with a good head on his shoulders. I am going to go to my first prison support group the first Saturday of next month. It is held monthly. I am also going next week to a meeting for family members of the inmates. I am apart of a group online on Facebook that know what I am going through and I really need to see that other people know how I feel.

 IMG_7783

Can’t sleep

I am laying here in bed listening to my son snore rigt next to me. It must be so nice being able to fall asleep and actually stay asleep. So much consumes my mind all the time. My fiancé just found out he meets with a counselor there at the prison to see where he will be transferred to. He’s finishing up the intake process. He could be about 30 min away or over 6 hours away. That is so far. Especially with a 3 year old. We will make it work if it comes down to that. The unknown is just really hard for me. We’ve been living a life of uncertainty for over a year and it continues, still. I just want my family to be together again. I can’t wait until I can hold my fiancé again and kiss him.  

 

Pictures

Pictures are good and bad. Good in the way they remind you of happy days. They bring you back to the times that you were happy. Pictures can be bad because they can bring up memories that you miss and can’t have anymore. I have thousands of pictures on my phone. Every night laying in bed, I scroll to the top of my camera roll, and go through all of the pictures.I get very happy when I think of the happy times that my family has been through. Picking a pumpkin at the pumpkin patch, writing Santa a letter, playing at the beach. They make me miserable, though, because I know we, as a family of three, will not be doing anything like that for four years. I know that the time will come when we can finally be together will come soon enough.

Prison “Wife”

I have been with my fiancee for eight years and we have a 3 1/2 year old beautiful boy. My fiancee was sentenced to four years two months for assault. He took a plea deal and was taken away a little over two weeks ago. This is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. From going to being with someone every day for eight years to just talking on the phone, is a huge adjustment. The love of your life is taken from you and you feel hopeless. All you can do it sit and wait for them to call, praying nothing bad happens. The first day that he was away, Anthony was with my mother. I got home and I fell on the couch and had the biggest meltdown I have ever had. I felt my whole life was being ripped apart and I felt empty inside. Everything in our home reminded me of him. It still does. His soaps. toothbrush, different foods that he wanted from the store, etc. How do you prepare for something like this? You think you can mentally get ready, but you can’t. Nothing will compare to that actual moment that this happens. The hardest thing is our son. He is only 3 and is too young to understand where his daddy is. I can’t explain to him the truth until he is older and understands. He does talk to him on the phone and I will take him to see him when we are finally able to visit. Talking on the phone is the best part of my day. I never thought I could get so excited about a phone call. I love him so much and miss him.

Growing Up Too Fast

In exactly one week from now, my little baby boy will be starting preschool. It’s weird to even say that. Preschool. School in general has always been something just far off from Anthony. Now it is here. He will be going to the church three days a week, for a little under two hours. It irritates me when parents put there kids in preschool all day, 5 days a week. I think that is more of childcare than preschool. That is just my opinion. My son’s 3rd birthday is on Friday and we are having a Monster, INC. party for him on Saturday. His birthday theme last year was trucks and everyone had so much fun!! Hopefully this year will be better! He is such an independent boy and is POTTY TRAINED and ready for school.  Don’t mind how dirty he is in that picture. He decided that fun to him was climbing rocks and stumps and playing in the mud:) What a boy!

 

ANTHONY

Finished With Christmas Presents

We went last night and got the last of our Christmas presents. We realized last night that we’ve been getting all present just for Anthony and noone else. I don’t know how we did that one. So we went and bought our family different things and of course more presents for Anthony. It is so hard not to buy stuff for him. Last year was hard because he was at a bad age and didn’t know what he liked. This year, he knows specifically what he likes and he tell’s us. In my last blog, I stated we went to Disney, so it was our plan not to go crazy with Christmas presents this year. Obviously, that did not happen. Anthony’s birthday is in January, as well, so we need to buy for that too. I swear, so much money is spent between Thanksgiving and January. I LOVE

the holidays!

IMG_3180

I Haven’t Posted In Awhile…

It has been months since I have posted a blog. I am not quiet sure why I stopped, it actually helps me with my feelings. I have been extremely busy and emotionally overwhelmed, lately. My family has been going through a of changes that have been hard to conform to. Life can definitely throw curve balls at you, but you need to accept them. My family did go to Disney last week and it was a lot of fun. We went for three days and went to Universal Studios and Disney. I was really excited for Universal Studios but it was not that child friend. Disney was so much fun and Anthony loved all of the rides and MICKEY. I was a little upset, though, because I bought him an autograph book, and he only got Mickey’s autograph. Where were they?! I’m sorry, when we were leaving we saw Goofy and Anthony got his book and pen out and we went over to him. We went to stand in line and this guy standing there tells us we can’t see Goofy. So of course I get mad and ask why. He told me that the person in front of me was the last person able to see Goofy. I said you are going to let me son see Goofy when he’s holding his book. He couldn’t of cared any less. I was so mad!! So I had walk away from this laughing and dancing Goofy with my son sad. It was horrible. Then the fireworks came on, thank goodness to distract him. Anthony was also extremely sick during this trip. He had a really bad fever, cough, cold and ear infection.He screamed on the plane for a little bit, so I made an appointment for the day after we got back. Come to find out, he had a double ear infection. He needs tubes put back in his ears (his tubes recently fell out). I feel we can’t get a break, ever.